if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
