come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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