dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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