everyone is single if you try hard enough
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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