Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
