I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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