The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
