I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
