New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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