forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
