final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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