So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
