ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
How does one acquire holy water?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
