At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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