all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize