Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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