Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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