You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Is it penis luge time yet?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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