My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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