I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Randomize
