i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Sorry my hands just texted you
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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