Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
