roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
