i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
they call him Oral-B. enough said
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
don't judge my taste in strippers
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
