I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
