I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
