a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
