sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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