and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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