dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
