Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
