Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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