grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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