Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
