Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
