dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
she looked like the before picture.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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