Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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