i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
