I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
