life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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