update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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