ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He passed out mid-signature
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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