Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
