you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
