Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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