I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
