I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
