Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize