hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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