just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
