Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
