No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
