It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
