I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
