all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i love accidental penises.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
