I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
