yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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