My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
