Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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