My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
